My breast cancer journey
In April 2020, in the middle of the pandemic, I got diagnosed with breast cancer, at the age of 32. My whole world collapsed. I had to put my life on hold, after I just started my dream life as a photographer with assignments abroad. For the biggest part I had to stop photographing, physically it became too much, but also giving direction to my clients became impossible, my head was full of nothing.
To not lose connection to my passion and to not lose my mind, I documented my whole journey. My camera and tripod went with me to every hospital visit. ‘Are you here again to take photos?’ was a phrase often used.
25/09/2020
Eight down, four to go! I’m getting there. Five months after my diagnosis I’m still doing pretty good. It’s getting tougher with each chemo, but I’m still finding much joy in the little things I’m able to do. I especially enjoy the days I feel things clicking. Lots of people have send me things to read, to see, to explore. Not about cancer itself, but about mindset and way of living. Something I was already so interested in before, but could never find the time to dive into or I was not yet able to understand what people (or books) were trying to tell me. I’ve always liked what some of my friends were saying, but could not quite yet feel it. And now it all starts to make sense, I’m connecting the dots and it feels so freeing, so lovely and beautiful, it can literally move me to tears. It helps me with going through my treatment so much. I’m just at the tip of the iceberg, but I’m very interested in diving deep to see it all. 🧡
ps. Look at the very symmetrical birthmarks on my head, never knew I had those.
26/10/2020
It’s starting to take its toll on me. Physically and mentally... The body gets weaker and the thoughts get darker. I have to remind myself that these thoughts are not particularly my own. The chemo makes me feel dejected. It affects the happy chemicals in the brain. It even gets me in my sleep and I’m regularly woken up by nightmares. My body is aching and the brain is failing me hard. But this fase in treatment is almost over. Just two more weeks of powering through! 💪
18/12/2020
This soft, round, flawless, gently rolling landscape turned into a little battlefield last week. A 7cm cut on the edge of sensuality and femininity that got my head spinning and my stomach turning. From lily blanc to pink, blue, swollen with stitches. Taking 4cm tissue and 2 lymfe nodes, but leaving the boob as it was.
The last week I went from shocked to satisfied. The scar grew fast on me. The first time taking the bandage off I almost fainted. It’s weird to see your body mutilated and in pain while having no idea what has happened. But every day before hitting the shower I watched the scar closely and on the 5th day I felt peace.
And today that peace turned into pure joy! I had a checkup with my surgeon. Not only is recovery going well, the tissue they’ve examined was free of any cancer cells. Nothing left! And he ended our appointment with the words ‘Tripple negative breast cancer that responds to chemo so well is very unlikely to come back.’ Those are the words I needed to hear. The words I need to keep repeating myself till the faith in my body is restored.
Two parts in treatment down! Only one to go!
10/02/2021
That freaking human body, that oiled machine. First it gets all broken down. To the point where cells barely multiply anymore. No cancer cells, no hair cells, no nail cells, no skin cells, non of those fast growing cells. Every little cut leaves you bleeding, cause nothing in your body is strong enough to fix that little slit.
You get a few weeks of rest, to let your body restore and get all the operating systems within organized and running again.
And then you have an operation. Cut open, tissue removed, sowed back together and what does your body. Heal at an insane rate. First you see the tissue grow together. Stitches fall out and the skin able to hold itself. The inner scar tissue galore, like the body wants to show off how well it’s working again. And then slowly that tissue softens. Leaving you with just a small flat pink stripe. Mind blown over and over again in this proces.
I got my first tattoo! Four tini, tiny dots. Two on my chest and one on each side of my ribcage. It’s not very original, (almost) every woman who has had radiation on her breasts has this particular tattoo. It’s put there to keep you in the exact same position every time you’re placed in the radiation machine. With lasers they look for these marks and place you correctly.
So it’s not a tattoo for esthetic reasons, but it’s a practical one and almost invisible, but I kind of love it! I mean look at the placement. It’s almost like it should have been there all along, right in line with the two birthmarks above it. My Pinterest board with tattoos actually has one that looks very similar to how it looks now, only the dots are bigger. Maybe one day…
But for now let’s focus on the next month. I’ll be having radiation every day (except on the weekends) for four weeks.
They keep warning me that it’s gonna be tough. They kind of freak me out with repeating that so often. But I still have my hopes up that it will be gentle on me, like chemo was to me as well. In the meantime I’m back at working out and will continue this throughout, to try to stay as fit as possible.
On that note. We have this exercise in physiotherapy where we run up a stairs, we skip steps, first one, till we skip four. In the beginning of chemo I could easily do four, but during treatment that wasn’t possible anymore and even three was a struggle. Not enough strength in my legs to jump that high and my vision was bad, I couldn’t see dept anymore and it was scary to take a leap, not knowing where my foot would end up. But yesterday I realized I was back at doing four without effort and without hesitation. I love measurable progress! Let’s try to stay at four during radiation and maybe one day even make five!
09/12/2021
One year ago today, I had my operation. Where it all looked very messy in the beginning (swollen, dents and bumps). All there is left now, is one very healthy and perfectly looking boob. With a teeny tiny scar to remind me of how grateful I am that I’m still here, that I’m healthy. That I’m stronger than I thought I was. And that I should enjoy life to the fullest.
I wrote a whole damn essay about emotional healing, I typed over 2000 words, but non of them were the right ones. So I’ll just leave it with that and come back to you when words will come to me again. (Stupid chemo brain that recovered so much already, but still not yet there).
12/12/2022
1,5 years after being in remission I was back on the horse again. Being healthy, fit and strong again I travelled back to my beloved Nepal. 4 months I got to spend there, working for different NGO’s, working together with amazing artisans and craftsmen. Living my best life again. It’s been a journey, but I’m back!
Podcasts
During treatment I did 2 podcast, talking about breast cancer at a young age and everything that goes with it. Open, raw conversations with fellow cancer patients.
Kankerjong KWF
A very vulnerable podcast about dating during treatment, being bald, the wish to have kids when it’s possible you will become barren because of chemo.
Presenter Elke van Boxmeer. 
Boezemvriendinnen
I met Roelie during Onco physiotherapy. She invited me for her podcast about being young and having breast cancer. She takes you through all the stages, from the diagnose, to journaling, chemo, sex and baby’s and a life after cancer.
Presenter roelie van beek